When the Dust Just Won't Settle

There are days when I just cannot seem to make sense of anything. Days when I look outside and see a beautiful sunny day and wonder, "where's the rain?". I have been conditioned to expect the worse of all situations so that the impact of failure or loss is not near as traumatic. However, I am still somewhat suprised whenever the bottom falls out. There have been seasons of my life when I have wondered what is the point? When will this end? When will I be able to square up my shoulders again and face the storm? Do I need to face the storm or can I just hide in my bed with the covers pulled indiscrimanately over my head to sheild from me the day's events just waiting to overtake me like a phone call from a telemarketer at dinner?
The fact is that most of life's common dilemmas do not stem from a lack of preparation or being outright oblivious to reality. In actuality most of life's difficulties are often rooted in my inability to resolve the already present difficulties. Therefore, when new difficulties arise they are simply added to my already heavy bag of burdens. Perhaps the pain of a loss loved one or a relationship that ended badly continue to cause grief. Maybe the uncertainty of a life's occupation or a miscarriage plague my everyday thoughts so readily that I can't seem to break free of doubt and fear. It is these emotions that cause my unsettled spirit to lash out in anger or scoff in in disbelief of greater things. My soul longs for peace, but my mind treasures its misery. I desire more than the emptiness, but find that at least in my emptiness there is no risk of more failure.
I have learned that this is not the pattern of a heart that is mended, but is still broken. Broken by failed relationships or addictions that will not be curbed. I have found that more times than not it is because I will not let myself be forgiven for not doing "everything I could have to prevent this or that". For not being willing to accept my own limitations as a human being. For expecting more of myself than is both realistic and expected. It is when I begin to admit this that peace begins to flow. It is when I begin to see my life as a part of a puzzle and not the puzzle itself, that my stress begins to dissolve. When I see my accomplishments as testimonies of the daily pursuit of life's dream and not as my measuring rod for self-worth, I am less concerned about long term benefits and more interested in "sucking the marrow out of life". I realize that life is not about what it looks like when its done, as much as what it looks like when I lived it!