Celebrating the Season?

Simply put, I dread Christmas., much in the same way I dread the ring of the phone that shows “unknown” on the caller ID. I am not sure why I am so disposed to this holiday, but I know that it has been a constant strain on my Spirit for years. Being a follower of Christ, makes this all the more unnerving. I fear that much of my frustration stems from years of completely rending myself of all “traditions” only to find that without them I was in fact all the more empty. I wish I could blame horrific Christmas experiences, but I know that is not true-as most of these experiences were not extremely eventful, but hardly “horrific”. It would be easier to blame my family for a lack of consistency during the holiday seasons growing up, but that would be a fallacy as well. If anything existed during the holiday season it was consistency. Maybe I am still scarred by a failed relationship during the Christmas months. But then again, I am not vehemently opposed to March 15 or July 10 as a result of church camp or a failed test. The truth is that at Christmas among other times of the year, I feel so distant from the Lord. I look back on my life and wonder why I have not stayed the course more often or why I am so short with my children. Knowing that the arrival of Jesus brought about the greatest gift every bestowed on mankind- God in the flesh, can often feel debilitating when compared against the endless array of video games and chocolates that find themselves into the hands of those I love as a description of my love. I have long struggled with the ability to give gifts to others. I often wait in anticipation of an outcome that my Spirit just can’t take. I so long to see the smiles on the faces of others as I give to them the gifts I have pined away for them-only to fear what feels “inevitable”: their discontent or worse disregard. What I realize is that it is likely that God also despises the Holiday Season. The season, where in the western world, we have filled the time with stress, contempt, anger, fear, and doubt. Hoping to find the newest, fanciest, most technological, most “memorable” gifts for those we love or at least claim to love. In a time when those who follow after Christ the King should be celebrating the single most significant event in the history of humanity – the immaterial becomes material in the form of a fellow human being- we strive so diligently to not celebrate it. We don’t want to offend those who don’t accept it, nor do we want to come off as being a relic of what once was the standard for many. We are so intent on hanging lights or decorating the temple in which we abide, that we often forget to embrace the temple in which the Living God abides- the temple of ourselves. I am convinced that my problem has nothing to do with my environment- no one can tell me I can’t worship the risen King in spirit and in truth-,nor does it have anything to do with my upbringing –no one escapes this life without some disfunction. No in fact my problem has more to do with my selfishness. It has to do with the reality that I am still stuck in my own pursuits and as a result I despise the Holiday. I despise it because I cannot hide anymore in my work or “ministry”. I am unable to escape the undeniable reality of God becoming man and pitching his tent among us. I am required to draw back the burlap covering of the sheep pen and peer into the stall where Mary recovers from the pain of childbirth and Joseph cradles her in his arms assuring her that she will be fine. Where the stinch of Sheep dung and urine stain the air and the restless sound of animals can be heard in the surrounding stalls. And then in the manger where animals eat, I find the manna from Heaven. The child that didn’t just happen to be in the neighborhood, but sought us out specifically to win our lives for the cause of His Father in heaven. I am required to look at the fragile child and know that in Him is the source of life, the source of hope, the source of joy. I am called to accept the gift. And God watches in anticipation of an outcome that overcomes His Spirit. Longing to see the smile on my face for the gift that has cost Him so much -only to fear what feels “inevitable”: my discontent or worse my disregard.